Total Pageviews

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The amazing David Koch/Scott Walker prank

A lot of people have already seen this, but in case you haven't:

I personally didn't think this was so amazing, beyond keeping Scott Walker thinking this was actually David Koch for several minutes. The only interesting thing I learned was Koch's name is pronounced "coke." I think it would've gone better as a "pwned" moment had the prank caller revealed himself as such at the end.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Where the Girls are, where the Boys are

If you're anything like me...well, you're an international refugee cowering in a secret location facing the death sentence in each of the three massive totalitarian states that have divided the world between themselves. Sorry about that (but if you do happen to be such a person, call me, and we'll do lunch. Sounds like we have a lot in common).

Ahem. Let me start over. If you're anything like me...well, you're probably sitting around working on a sequel to your incredibly long and boring tome The Theory and Practice of Oligarchial Collectivism. But if you didn't have such an enormous and soul-crushingly boring project to undertake, you might wonder how best to go about getting dates. So, if that sounds like something you might be interested in, let us take a glimmer into your disgustingly totalitarian-free alternate universe (seriously, China counts as "totalitarian" where you come from?) and into the subject of global sex ratios.

Simply put, where would a guy find a surplus of women?

From the CIA World Factbook 2009 edition (it's the CIA, so take the factoids as you will)male-female ratios ages 15-65:

North Marianas Islands 0.67
Armenia 0.88
El Salvador 0.91
Estonia 0.91
Lebanon 0.92
Russia 0.92
Ukraine 0.92
Georgia 0.93
Belarus 0.94
Mexico 0.94
Moldova 0.94
Columbia 0.95
Kazakhstan 0.95
Latvia 0.95
Lithuania 0.96

So, there you have it. Unless these countries have a complete over-abundance of elderly women causing their data to be skewed, you should be able to find yourself. Of course, if you happen to a wizened old fart yourself, you should still be able to get dates, perhaps even in places like Armenia and the Northern Marianas Islands, since those chicks are likely to be pretty desperate. Seriously, what happened to the men in the North Marianas?

Now, ladies, let's look at your opt...ick. Okay, you know the saying, "the odds are good but the goods are odd?" Well, I'm afraid in this case the goods aren't even that good. While the men might have to wander through run-down, mob-controlled, second-world countries, these are the places where your sex is favored:

United Arab Emirates 2.74
Qatar 2.46
Kuwait 1.78
The Maldives 1.62
Oman 1.38
Bahrain 1.32
Palau 1.26
Saudi Arabia 1.29
Greenland 1.16
Faroe Islands 1.15
Jordan 1.15
Bhutan 1.13

To each her own, but I'd say the most appetizing prospect would be's tropical, at least, even if the whole country is smaller than New York City. Oh, and you should probably like sharks, since Palau's territory contains a massive "shark sanctuary" (plus it has former Guantanomo Bay prisoners running around on its reefy atolls and atolly reefs). Next up would be either Greenland and/or the Faroe Islands, which are certainly home to lots of manly men--at least those who haven't lost their testicles to frostbite.

Bhutan, an isolated Buddhist kingdom high in the Himalayas, might sound like a dreamy place to find Mr. Right, but it's very, very difficult to get into even on a holiday.

As for the rest...eww. Even if you have dreams of sunglasses-wearing Arabs in sports cars flashing petro-dollars, the unfortunate excess men in the Gulf countries aren't those guys. By and large, they are East Indians, Africans, Palestinians, and Pakistanis who are doing the most menial labor those sandy lands have to offer.

Sorry about that. It's almost as if populaton dynamics themselves have a built-in double standard.

But it could always be worse. You could be living in an undisclosed location writing an 85-page chapter on "The Microeconomics of Fabian Pseudosocialism."

The real Afro-Ninja vs. the Po-po

A look-alike has it out with the blue porkers. Obviously an awesome dude who doesn't afraid of anything, he told u he was hardcore.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

New Guinean man eats baby in front of magistrates and judges

One of the grimmer stories I've linked to: a drug-crazed adoptive father decides to chow down on the family's week-old adoptive daughter. And he did exactly that, biting into the infant as if he was auditioning as an extra in a George Romero film.

This lunatic, according to the link, is thought to have been trying to pass an initiation test to become a sorcerer.

The illegal criminal immigrant face

Technically calling an illegal immigrant a "criminal" is redundant, because they're breaking the law just by illegally crossing borders, but most people consider undocumented aliens to be about as criminal as copyright infringers. But the guys who went into making up this composite face are unambiguously criminal. Don't be fooled by his relative handsomeness, girls--80% of the faces I used for this composite were sex offenders, and hardcore offenders at that.

Originally I was simply trying to do a composite of the face of illegal immigration, but photos of illegals are hard to come by...unless they've been arrested. Hence, "illegal criminal immigrant." I was struck by the large number of sex offenders in this group; I was expecting to see more drunk drivers.

The generic Arab extremist

I was wondering if any of the Muslim terrorists who've given the West so much trouble since the early 2000s had any physical characteristics in common. I doubted it was anything that could be determined by facial averages, but hey, since I have the software...

Anyway, this guy looks like Freddy Mercury going undercover to infiltrate the Saudi Royal Family.

Why "Arab extremist"? Why not "Muslim extremist"? Because only Arab faces went into this composite--there are no Persians, no Pakistanis, no Indonesians. Instead, I concentrated on the mug shots of terrorists who have already been captured by Western authorities, and by and large they've been Arabs.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The blog of a real-live Satanist

Very interesting stuff. If you're expecting an eyeshadow-wearing, heavy metal listening, black cat-sacrificing* misfit, you're going to be disappointed. If, on the other hand, you're expecting Lt. Commander Ryker** from Star Trek: the Next Generation, wearing a stylish sport coat, you may be more on target (something tells me you're not expecting that, though). He also says he is an Atheist in addition to being a Satanist. Gaaaaah! How can you possibly be both? If you're concerned, about the cognitive dissonance, go check him out and report back, troops!

* From what I can tell, he likes cats too much for that...
**And hopefully he'll forgive me for the comparison with Johnathan Frakes...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Random Japanese Commercial Insanity

You know, maybe the California Raisins or "WHASSUP?" didn't translate very well into the Japanese commercial mileu, either.

The Composite Cracker Criminal

Ever wonder what would happen if you smooshed together all the pot dealers, spouse abusers, public disruptives and intoxicatees you could find? Probably not, but that's what I'm bringing you with this post. This guy is the average face of white guys who commit very average misdeameanors and minor felonies. An awful lot of chubby, round-faced moustached dudes' mugshots went into this composite, so it's interesting how it turned out.

Annie is okay, Annie is okay, yes she's okay Annie, because this guy was anything but a smooth criminal.

Yet more faces! UCLA vs. USC

I wasn't working with the greatest pics here--lots of small, blurry photos, plus multiple pictures of girls with redeye--but there's also a lot of faces in these composites, so maybe they're acceptable. I'm very surprised the UCLA turned out to look like a young (and possibly lycanthropic) Carrie Fisher.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

How science keeps turning your childhood into crap

Remember pterosaurs, kids? Those nifty, dragonlike flying reptiles of times most ancient, screeching terrors of the skies, who soar above a volcano-ridden jungle landscape, ready to snatch up hapless bikini-clad cavewomen for delivery to their gigantic, bird-like nest of hungry hatchlings? They looked like this, didn't they?

Well, the only problem with that image is that it's about 80 years old. Eighty years is a long time in any subject, but in palaentology* it's ridiculously long. Science keeps marching on. So what image for pterosaurs does science give us now?

GAAAAH! WTF is that thing?! If something like that actually existed, it would be an argument for the existence of an Intelligent Designer--and it would also mean that the Designer was probably Doctor-friggin-Seuss.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

EXCLUSIVE! First look at the upcoming Spider-Man reboot!

What? So you think this DOESN'T beat watching Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst?

Berkeley vs. Pensacola Christian College

Hoo boy. It's hard to find institutions of higher learning that are at such radically different political poles than UC Berkeley and PCC. The latter institution is full of hardcore, hyper-intolerant Bible-beaters who want to take away our rights and usher in a new theocratic Dark Age, while the former is full of hardcore, hyper-tolerant*, dope-smoking, pining-for-Che dirty hippies who want to take away our rights and usher in a new Socialist Dark Age. Or at least that what the haters would have me to believe, and if you can't trust somebody who hates something, who can ya trust?

Anyway, here are the composites of UC Berkeley (left) and PCC (right):

*Except when it comes to smokers, Christians, white men, minority Conservatives, Conservatives in general, probably Hasidic Jews, ardent Zionists, and generally anybody to the right of Noam Chomsky.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Outbreak at the Playboy Mansion? Say it ain't so!

Okay...the most surprising thing about this outbreak is that it's probably Legionaire's Disease...I don't know about you, gentle readers, but somehow that's not the kind of outbreak I envision when I think of the Playboy Mansion...

Monday, February 14, 2011

More "C" girls

Since my "composite college girls" series seems to be a hit, for your viewing pleasure here are Connecticut, Colorado (yeah, yeah, out of order, I know) and...well, since I haven't even started on Delaware yet, a mash-up of a certain slightly over-the-hill-but-knighted British pop star and...McDonald's Hamburglar.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Looks like "Rosemary's Baby" got remade in Nigeria...

This composite face stuff is all well and good, but too many posts on it tends to dilute the spirit of this blog, which is really devoted to stuff like this:

Awesome! Satanic cults in Nigeria, the power of Satan turns hot chicks into catfish (although he still can't draw a pentagram worth a damn), and generally it's all a big "Spiritual Challenge." Also, you get the first hour or so of "Dangerous Blind Man," a movie that shows you what would've made Shaft and Dolomite truly, truly bad-ass: visual impairment!

More college girls

Here are the black college girls from Alabama, Arkansas, and Florida.

Friday, February 11, 2011

The Arizona Girl

Okay, here's the missing "A" state. As with California, I assumed that white and Latin populations weren't entirely distinct in Arizona. The composite girl has a definite Latin look to her:

More college girl faces from the States

Here are (left-right) Alaska, Arkansas, and California. I think I'm missing an "A" state there (sorry Arizona), but here goes anyway:

Since the Latino-white-Asian populations aren't as distinct in CA as they are elsewhere, the CA composite is made from all three groups. She still comes out looking blonde, though (hey, you can't complain I'm not "representing diversity" when you're using all that hair dye, girls).

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

What does the average Alabama girl look like?

Okay, I was inspired by my previous posting (the composite faces of women from different countries) to try my own hand at this. Instead of different countries, though, I thought I would try different U.S. States. I was wondering mainly if you could tell physical differences between the faces of girls from different parts of the U.S.

In alphabetical order, the first up was Alabama. I used pics from Myspace and color photos from various online college newspapers, so what follows is a composite face of a white college-aged girl from Alabama:

Now, there are two big, distinct populations in Alabama: white and black. I wanted to do them both. So why didn't I? Well, does anybody remember the hullabaloo from last year about facial recognition software being unable to recognize black faces? I'm here to assure you it's all true!! My software, presumably designed by white and Asian programmers, literally can't tell a black woman's face from her shoulder! Sometimes the software would assume the entire picture was the face! So unfortunately I'm still working on a composite face for college-aged black women of Alabama. Sorry about that. I really need pretty close-up, front-on photos of black women's faces or the software just doesn't do a good job.

So, if anybody wants to be part of this crazy little project, let me know and I'll provide my email. Alternatively you can just point to places online where I can find pics for my composites. I'm hoping to use only pics of "natives" of each particular state, since the historical migration patterns around the U.S. have been different from region to region.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

What does the average woman from your country look like?

Leave to computer morphing programs to finally settle the question, eternal among guys who travel, as to "which country has the hottest women?"

It's still a judgement call, but at least with the computer results you can base your call on something objective. These are blending morphs of hundreds of different women, so it's not like you're focusing on just a dozen or so out of a crowd.

Judging from the results, we can finally lay the "ugly English" theory to rest. On the other hand, we can't see her teeth, can we?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Lots of adorable rodent vermin, just for you

An early Valentine's Day present for all citizens of Oceania. Behold, the ultra-kawaii wonder that is the rodent family Dipodidae:

Wherever you've got a desert, you've got hopping rodents. All of the hopping "mice" in the videos above are native to Europe, Asia, and Africa. They're not kangaroo rats--you only find true kangaroo rats in the Americas! Even Australia has hopping rodents in its deserts. Not little teeny-tiny kangaroos, nor little marsupials that just happen to look like rodents, but actual hopping rodents, descendants of mice that somehow made it Down Under 3 million years or so ago.

Dog Police--where are they coming from?!

One of the weirdest music videos of the 1980s, brought to you by the great (as in "great") city of Memphis, TN.

This video seems to take place in an alternate universe where humans and dog-people live side by side, midgets have odd sexual tastes, and a young William H. Macy plays the keytar.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Kirsan Ilyumzhinov leads an interesting life

So, what are the descendants of Genghis Khan up to these days?

A) Having humungous feasts where they eat raw oxen and get drunk on fermented snake venom
B) Crushing their enemies, seeing their enemies driven before them, and listening to the lamantations of their enemies' women
C) Getting abducted by aliens and developing crazy theories about the true meaning of chess

Why the 1440 Minutes Hate?

Well, as you know, back home in Oceania I am a thoroughly reviled person, all because I wrote a book the Party considered subversive. I am so hated in Oceania that there is a daily, mandatory "Two Minutes Hate" period directed at me. In this video you can see one of the more restrained Two Minutes' Hates:

In the previous video, I was trying to make a serious point. I don't always do that. Occasionally I like to try out some comedy material, mostly "Yo Mama" jokes. I'm all like "Yo' Mama's so fat, her ass needs her own zip code" and "Yo Mama's so ugly, when you took her to the dog show, she won." Sometimes I even go with one of the rare "Yo Daddy" jokes: "Yo Daddy's so lame he couldn't get laid in a monkey whore house with a crateload of bananas."

Yeah. If there's one way to piss off a Party Member, it's to insult his mama.

Anyway, does all this authentic hatred make me afraid, upset? Hell, no! Don't they say "any publicity is good publicity?" I'm kind of flattered by the whole thing.

So here's the explanation for the 1440 Minutes Hate: there are 1440 minutes in a day. That's a lot of minutes. So why hate me for just two minutes a day, when you can hate me the whole day?

So sit back and relax, Party Members, and enjoy Emmanuel Goldstein's 24-Hour Happy Hour!

In Soviet Russia, attack, make love, not war!

Somehow, I find this superior to regular use of attack dogs to bring down criminals. Perps might brag about how tough they were, since the cops needed a vicious dog to bring them down--but they won't be bragging about this.

Japan's Maritine Defenses Forces are FABULOUS!

See? Singing, dancing..."South Pacific" was really a documentary!